NYDAS - AT HER MAJESTY
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At Her Majesty’s Pleasure
It really is with regret, my dear that I write to you from this dingy place. It beggars belief that I should find myself here after all we have been through, and I feel that I owe you some sort of explanation.
I first noticed that I was beginning to lose the plot when Mrs Grosvenor, next door, asked how your mother was and I crushed the pint glass I was holding. I took little notice of it at the time and tried to carry on regardless. As you know I have always been a mild mannered man and it is unusual for me to find myself at a loss. I believe it was the constant criticism and nagging that drove me to it.
The first time I had a brush with the law was her fault. We were on our way to Wales on holiday with the girls, do you remember? She continually nagged all the way and I was pulled over for speeding on the Severn bridge, I seriously considered throwing myself off it that day but didn’t want to upset you and the girls. When I explained to the police officer what had happened, he was about to book me when your lovely mother leaned out of the window and shouted, ‘I knew you’d come to no good, you criminal drip!’ The police man felt so sorry for me he let me off, ‘No-one should have to put up with a mother-in-law like that,’ he said! If only I had taken his name, I could have used him as a witness to support my actions in this case.
On the evening I decided to kill her, your mother was in particularly fine form. She was waxing lyrical about the shame of having a wife that earns more money and how that must affect my feelings of manhood. I tried to ignore her, carried on with the dishes before giving you a lift to Bingo, but I was still very tense when I got back to the house. Upon my return I found she had been rummaging through my desk and was sat reading through the letters you had sent me during my time in the army. She was laughing at the compliments you sent me, she said I was clearly no stud now judging by the lack of noise coming from our bedroom in the evenings. Oddly enough, I think it was this comment that strengthened my resolve, as you know her presence in the house had had a somewhat sobering effect on our love life. It was clearly a mistake to allow her to move in with us.
I rose early the next day, as you may recall, and went off to gather mushrooms as is my way on a Saturday. I had a clear objective, to find something toxic and cook them in an omelette for her breakfast. This was a very successful endeavour in many ways and if it weren’t for the misplaced excellence of the NHS, we would have been free from the harridan today. However, a couple of days in intensive care and a lifetime on dialysis hardly seems a fitting outcome considering the turmoil she has put me through over the last three years. I daresay it would have been seen as an unfortunate accident if it weren’t for the fact that I tried to strangle her in her hospital bed the next day. When the security guards pulled me away from her they told me I was actually purple with rage. All I remember was your mother telling me I was a waste of space and that she knew I wasn’t good enough for you the moment she set eyes on me.
So my darling, I am very sorry that we are separated and that my actions have left you alone in the clutches of that woman. I regret the fact that my plan did not work out. I hope you are not too lonely without me and I look forward to seeing you on visiting day, if your mother allows you to come.
Your loving husband,
PS. With hindsight I should have just shot her and had done with it.
© Nydas 2011