That Hogstance! He’s a bad boy, he’s either stewing up the neighbours,
hammering things with his big hammer, or writing poetry.
I’ve told him that he needs to find a job!
In the olden days he spent far too much time
playing in the compost heap with Leggy,
he loved that little fellow,
and I am quite relieved that Hogstance ate him.
Although I didn’t even get a foot,
you’d think he would’ve shared a couple of toes with me at least?
Oh and Little Leggy had such lovely big feet,
still that big tin opener came in handy when we opened up his head,
but did I get any brain? Oh no, Hogstance hogged the lot.
When Hogstance and I were first married we lived by a sparkling stream,
surrounded by pretty blue flowers... It was disgusting!
That should have told me something about him then...
Thank the Ogredom that we moved out of that hell hole and into the mire,
I’ve never been happier, plenty of big juicy flies,
and our nearest neighbour is the Warty Toad,
and he knows how to season things unlike my Hogstance.
As I said Hogstance Bilgecrack the Third,
that’s what he likes to call himself! Oh yes,
he just wants to sit in the tavern with his good for nothing friends,
and when he’s not doing that he’s either hammering big pegs into the ground
or writing poetry.
As for that compost heap where he used to play with Lego Stan,
well I haven’t been rollicking in the compost with him for years,
and we added a fresh load of rotting fish just yesterday too!
Still he has his good points I suppose,
he’s very good looking, and has lovely teeth,
although I think he’s a bit of a lady killer..
If I ever see any of those ladies
I’ll show the big poetry writing brute what a lady killer is!
Anyway he’d better bring me some locust
to feed that Wibble bird otherwise they’ll be hell to pay!
Right, I’m going to beautify myself as I’m off clubbing with the girls,
that should be good, as I’ve just bought a new club!